Pornography
Q: How do I know if pornography is a problem for me?
A: There are several signs. Among them are using the sexual behavior to escape stress in your life, returning to the behavior seeking a more intense experience, lying to others to hide your sexual activities, feeling constantly preoccupied by sex, or trying and failing to limit or stop the sexual behavior.[1]
Q: Does my excessive pornography viewing affect anyone other than me?
A: Yes. One study resulted in lower self-esteem, poorer relationship quality and lower sexual satisfaction for the girlfriends of porn addicts. Other research showed that when one partner used porn at a high frequency — typically the men in the heterosexual couples Bridges has studied — there was a tendency to withdraw emotionally from the relationship. Those men reported “increased secrecy, less intimacy and also more depression.”[2]
Q: My husband says, “Every man does it.” Am I making too big a deal out of it?
A: “It is unfortunate, but true, that pornography use is overwhelmingly common. This does not make it okay or mean you should turn a blind eye. When a man uses porn he is finding sexual satisfaction from someone other than his wife. So the betrayal a woman feels is natural. God created sex to be between a man and his wife. Jesus said that looking at a woman with lust is the same as committing adultery with her in his heart. Looking at porn is purposely choosing to lust.”[3]
Q: Isn't habitually looking at porn an acceptable way to get my sexual desires met?
A: This is not the reason for looking at porn. “Pornography addiction results from the attempt to receive intimacy without risking rejection. It offers men a way to satisfy their desire for intimacy without the risk of being exposed as the fraud they fear themselves to be. In reality though, the shame that comes from using porn fuels their isolation and drives them farther away from the true intimacy they are searching for.” [4]
Q: Does my porn addiction separate me from God's love?
A: No. The book of Romans, chapter 8 asks this same question: “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ...In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” God's love is not dependent upon our behaviors in any way.
Q: How do I protect my kids from this?
A: “Being vigilant about the media that you allow into your home makes a big difference. This includes soft porn that is found in most movies and magazines. Too many women are introducing their sons to soft porn without realizing what they are doing. But that is not enough. You have to teach your children healthy sexuality. They will see unhealthy versions all around them. You will probably be the only person to ever teach them a healthy perspective of sex.”[5]
Q: I've heard that watching porn can improve my marriage. Isn't that true?
A: No necessarily. “A recent poll conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that two-thirds of divorce lawyers reported that the internet played a major role in the divorce cases they presided over and that more than half of those cases involve an infatuation or a supposed addition by one partner to online porn.”[6]
Q: Why do I even want to watch this stuff in the first place?
A: If emotions are not identified and resolved, they will create anxiety that requires repression. The buildup of repressed emotions is so powerful that an individual becomes susceptible to addictions providing psychological relief. Such emotions are rage, pain, fear, inadequacy, loneliness, abandonment, depression or shame. [7]
Q: What should I do when I discover my spouse is viewing pornography?
A: “Under no circumstances should you accept any responsibility for your spouse’s actions. How your spouse chooses to respond to any difficulties in life is fully, one hundred percent, his responsibility. Be gentle in the way you approach your spouse. Refrain from expressions of anger and try to see that your partner is hurting on the inside, whether he admits to such pain or not. Accept denial as a natural response of the spouse who is caught and don’t believe the worst in your spouse. Your spouse is actually in pain. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be doing what they are doing in the first place. [8]
[1]. Alex Wolf, “8 Symptoms of Sexual Addiction,” Feed the Right Wolf. January 27, 2011, http://bit.ly/1A4kllW. (Accessed January 22, 2015).
[2]. Kristin Weir, “Is pornography addictive?,” American Psychological Association, 2014, Vol 45, No. 4
Print version page 46. http://bit.ly/1DmHyES. (Accessed January 22, 2015).
[3]. Ella Hutchinson, “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask,” Covenant Eyes, November 15, 2011, http://bit.ly/1DQdl3O. (Accessed January 22, 2015).
[4]. Stephen Kuhn, “10 Lies Men Believe About Porn,” XXX Church, October 19, 2014, http://bit.ly/1zdN87E. (Accessed January 22, 2015).
[5]. Cure the Craving. “Porn Addiction Recovery Frequently Asked Questions,” http://bit.ly/18iJHHu. (Accessed January 22, 2015).
[6]. PRWeb, “New Site called Feed The Right Wolf Helps People to Break Free From Sexual and Porn Addiction,” December 25, 2011, http://bit.ly/18iJHHu. (Accessed January 22, 2015).
[7]. Steve Earll, “How Emotions Play a Role in Addictive Behavior,” Pure Intimacy for Focus on the Family, 2004, http://bit.ly/1A4kEgx. (Accessed January 22, 2015).
[8]. Shaunti Feldhahn and Michael Todd Wilson, “Four Ways to Respond to Your Spouse's Porn Problem,” XXX Church, December 10, 2014, http://bit.ly/1DS3hph. (Accessed January 22, 2015).
1 Corinthians 6:18-20 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
Psalm 119:37 Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, And revive me in Your way.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
1 John 2:16 For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
Psalm 119:9-10 How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word. With my whole heart I have sought You; Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
Proverbs 7:21-23 With her enticing speech she caused him to yield, With her flattering lips she seduced him. Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, Or as a fool to the correction of the stocks, Till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, He did not know it would cost his life.
1 Corinthians 6:13 Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods, but God will destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
